Back In The Saddle

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After a couple of weeks, this place is finally starting to shape up. WordPress had been installed for a while but I didn’t really want to go live until I had a domain picked out. Once I got that domain set up, well… it was really confusing for a while.

Now… I have operated a self-hosted blog before but it’s been about ten years since I’d done so. Between completely forgetting about a ton of things and the technology advancing quite a bit with new services and options… the re-learning curve was pretty steep. I haven’t actually learned much because I relied upon Customer Service helping me out and… patience. Often, things just need to run their course and I forget that from time to time.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to writing here again more. I’ve been doing a lot of introspection lately… seeing a therapist and am hoping to figure some stuff out with my life. What I want and where I want to be. Hopefully, I can use this blog to get myself back and live the life that I want to live.

One Blog To Rule Them All

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I’m in the process of migrating all of my previous blog work into this consolidated site, going all the way back to probably around 2005 or earlier. The easy part was trying to migrate over the variety of blogs that I have started on WordPress.com (minus a few errors that prevented me from migrating over photos that would go into individual posts) and they are located here now.

I’m having a problem now with the blogs and posts that were self-hosted in a much earlier era. I downloaded the .sql files for those various blogs before I cancelled the hosting, assuming that it would be easy to reinstate these .sql files. And, theoretically, you should be able to do so with phpMyAdmin however I’m out of practice with using this for maybe 15 years. AND it’s changed so much. So I have some homework to do.

Bottom line, this site is under construction and might take some time to get up and running as well as looking the way that I want it to look.

The Rock

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Maybe it was all but a fantasy. Maybe it was a daydream that I loved to immerse myself in, one where I could revel in your company and finally live the next phase of my life in relative happiness and contentment. Countless times over the years I’ve thought of us finally together; you, my perfect person.

Is that completely dead? Only time will tell, I suppose. It’s been 11 days since I let you leave without placing excessive burdens to carry. I know that you already have enough burdens on your back and within your soul. I firmly believe that you have many life changes to sort through to get you back onto the path that will lead you up to the light. I also firmly believe and have faith that you will return to me. It’s this faith in us that gives me hope for the future.

Would it have helped us for me to scream and cry out when you needed to leave? Certainly not. It would have been another series of burdens for you to process. Instead, I will remain to be your rock and you will always be my ocean. I will be here for you when you are ready to come back to me.

A Return

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I needed to prove that I could be loyal. That was why it had to end. Now that it has resurfaced, it is proven that I am a scoundrel.

But why has it resurfaced? I allowed it to resurface. Why? Obviously, I am looking for something. There’s something I need that I don’t currently have… it fills some kind of void in my existence. What is it?

Current running theories:

  • I crave the feeling of shame. That, for some reason, I need that burden upon me and my conscience.
  • I am simply weak. I don’t have the moral constitution to just walk away and never look back.
  • I hunger for things that I can’t have. Like a spoiled child, I want those things that aren’t mind and will act out when I can’t get them.
  • I crave attention from wherever I can get it. I am an attention whore.
  • I am shallow and self-centred. No one else’s feelings matter to me.

As with most things, it is likely a combination of all of these issues mentioned above. And, while I may have some good attributes and characteristics, I am deeply flawed on a personal level. Damaged goods, as they say.

My plan is to analyze these running theories and any other theories that I may have. Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.

My Annual Blog Post

It’s mildly amusing to me and it also kind of makes me sad that it’s been over a year since I wrote here last.

I’ve got WordPress blogs sprinkled out all over the place, I think I’m up to 5 (?) and would love to just merge all of my content under one blog to rule them all… I’m contemplating it. The fact that I’ve got so many, plus… I’ve got the .XML files for the two past blogs that I had YEARS ago, I’ve got a ton of content that’s been pulled from the public. Maybe pool them all under one externally hosted site? It’s an idea.

Anyway, we’re living in the time of COVID-19 now. So much going on with every possible viewpoint on where it came from, how it’s affecting us, what our society should be doing to combat it, where we are heading… what our future looks like… there’s a lot of discussion.

The only thing that is certain to me when discussing the topic is that we, as a people, are divided… no… completely fragmented. It’s a fever pitch that we are at as a species and everyone’s general tolerance shrinks and shrinks as time passes.

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It’s been over a year since I wrote here last.

I used to love to write. I could write passionately about a lot of things, have some kind of insight on a topic. I could feel good about what I wrote because it was something that I believed in or knew something about.

These days… and for a few years now… I’ve come to accept that there are no answers and there are no truths in this world. I used to think that I knew so much about life and the world but now I realize that I know nothing about anything. I realize that life is inherently without value or meaning. And that makes me sad.

So incredibly sad.

Base Camp – 5,290 fASL

I think I need a slightly bigger tent.

I bought the floor model of a North Face Stormbreaker 1 man tent at Cabela’s probably a year and a half ago and this is my first opportunity to use it. I wanted something small for my excursions that I planned on taking by myself since I know that camping is not my kids’ hobby.

Anyway, it’s squishy. It fits my air pad and sleeping bag perfectly but there is room for nothing else. So my bag stays outside.

I’m at the Kananaskis Trail overflow camping or something, I’m not exactly sure what the name of it is. I’m in the Peter Lougheed Provincial Park and random camping wherever the fuck you feel like it is strictly verboten in Provincial Parks. They do patrol the day use trail heads that explicitly say ‘no camping’ so they’ll bust your ass if you even try.

I wanted to come out here to get away from people but, of course, it’s getting more and more densely populated as the evening progresses. And, of course, the pair of couples with a shitty toddler decide to bunk adjacent to where I’ve set up. If I wanted to listen to a miserable, whiny, over-tired kid… I’ve have saved myself a 4+ hour drive and just sat in a McDonalds Play Place for a few hours around naptime.

But whatever. There are a lot more bears out and about around here right now than there was last year when I was here and there is safety in numbers. The bears definitely don’t want to listen to some whiny fucking snot-nosed bitch kid either so they’re more likely to stay out of the area thus not looking at me as a giant pre-wrapped meat snack.

The tent is squishy but it’s not bad. The air pad keeps me comfortable and off of the cold, cold ground and my sleeping bag should keep me nice and toasty. Plus, I have a couple of wool blankets in a bag that I’m using as a pillow and will just throw over myself if it gets too cold tonight. I don’t think it will but you never know.

It’s not as comfy as my bed but I also don’t have mountains in my bedroom. The trade off is worth it.