Tag Archives: substance abuse

Resolutions For Life

Something that I’ve learned about the topic of resolutions/resolving to change yourself is a  thing that I already knew and understood but couldn’t truly appreciate until going through this past couple of months. With many people making all kinds of New Year’s resolutions, there is a reason why most of them fail.

By virtue of timing, waiting until one specific day for resolving to change, there is a lack of long-term commitment to the change. But the question is ‘why is there a lack of commitment?’

It’s a matter of really wanting the change… owning the change. During the course of our lives, when we recognize a behaviour we have that needs to change, it can be difficult to put priority on it. Odds are, it’s something that we like/enjoy doing but also has a negative aspect to it that detracts from that enjoyment. There is a feeling that we should change our behaviour to eliminate this negative aspect however we don’t really want to change. As a result, the resolution is a half-hearted effort.

This notion that we should change is often due to external pressure placed upon us. Ownership requires internal pressure to affect long-lasting change and is often what’s lacking in a New Year’s resolution.

Now, when you are talking about substance abuse and addiction… things get a little more complicated in the process of committing to change. Ok, they get a lot more complicated but without a personal commitment and ownership to sobriety, the rate of success drops to nearly zero.

I’m not an expert on addiction or sobriety but I do know that you have to really want it in order to stay sober.

The End Is The Beginning Is The End

Writing is hard.

Well, for me, I always try to write honestly and on a subject that I know something about; writing becomes hard when I’m trying to force it.

I have always believed that there is so much that can be learned about the present and the future by studying the past. It helps to know where you once were to understand where you should be going… where you need to be going. This is why I am doing this, writing about myself so that I can try to avoid making some of the same choices that got me to where I was.

From what I can remember; I used to spend a lot of time trying to forget… to ignore that a person even lived inside this skin. I drank a lot; I lived like escaping into the bottle was committing some kind of poetic, slow suicide. It was the most cowardly method and it seemed appropriate for a coward; a passive allowance with no heady commitment that comes with a firearm or a blade.

Are there a lot of insights that I can take away from what I can remember? I’m really not sure. I’ll keep writing and I guess we’ll see.

The process of addiction is generally a long one and rarely can one moment along that journey be identified as a watershed moment, changing every other moment that happens after it. In contrast, initiating the process of recovery is often the exact opposite. Often, one single moment will tip the balance toward recognition that there is a problem and that something needs to be done about it. Maybe it’s losing your job. Maybe it’s having your husband or wife leave you. Maybe it’s being arrested by the police. Maybe it’s suffering an overdose.

Right at this moment, I accept that when it comes to substance abuse, sometimes it doesn’t matter where you were. Sometimes, what matters is that you acknowledge that you can’t go back there ever again. It’s knowing that every minute of every hour of every day going forward is a battle. It’s choosing to be stronger than the you from before. It’s choosing to go to war against something that wants to destroy you.

Day 26

 26 MUTHAFUKKA!!  
I was about to write, “I’m not sure if it’s stupid to keep writing posts like this,” but fuck that noise. This is my blog, my journey and my little space to track whatever I want. I’m not fishing for a virtual high five or a pat on the back; I’m making this statement as a matter of public record. 

It’s Day 26 of me being sober. It’s also the fifth session of a five day workshop at Edmonton’s downtown Addiction Services office for Self-Evaluation & Support. This session is about Relapse Prevention. 

So far, I haven’t felt a lot of challenges with respect to wanting or needing a drink. I’ve learned a ton about addiction and substance abuse; some of the things apply to me and some of the things, I feel, don’t apply to me. But that’s one of the things about addiction, it’s not the same for everyone. It’s pretty much like anything in this world, the experience can be vastly different because people are inherently different. 

This workshop has taught me first hand, amongst many things that I will likely write about in the future, is that addiction and substance abuse affects people from every demographic of society that you can possibly imagine. I base this statement upon the fact that there are all kinds of people from all walks of life in these sessions. 

While I know that I have had it pretty easy with respect to cravings and challenges to my sobriety, I know that I haven’t been living within the exact same routine that got me to the point of having a seizure at my workplace because of alcohol withdrawal. I’ve been off work for 4 weeks with a significantly reduced stress load. 

I realize that, besides my stress load at work, there are significant triggers for me that are based around not having a supporting family environment. My home isn’t terrible (I know there are people who have to face violence or other people’s addictions or abuse) but the thoughts of not having a spouse who I can talk to or rely upon to just listen has caused me to well up with tears in these sessions (and right now just writing about it) and I’ve had to redirect just to not break down. 

But that’s something for Future Jeff to deal with. Right now, this Jeff has to get his ass to the Churchill station to hop on the LRT for home.