Tag Archives: sobriety

‘Liquid State’ by Muse

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Take me for a ride
Break me up and steal what’s left inside
And hope and pray iniquity has died inside and left a scar
I’m on red alert
Bring me peace and wash away my dirt
Spin me round and help me to divert and walk into the light
Warm my heart tonight
Hold my head up high
Help me to survive
Kick me when I’m down
Feed me poison, fill me till I drown
Wake me up before I get pushed out and fall into the night
Warm my heart tonight
(Force me to lose control)
Hold my head up high
(Watch as I lose my soul)
Help me to survive
(Push me until I fall)

What I Learned Not Drinking For Two Years

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I came across this fantastic post on Medium.com during the Christmas/New Year’s break; I don’t recall how I got there but it struck a chord in me so I saved the link in my drafts to share in the near future.

The article is written two years after author, Andy Boyle, quit drinking and summarizes some of his learnings and successed he’s achieved during that time.

Here’s a short list of what I’ve accomplished since I stopped drinking two years ago:

  • Lost 75 pounds
  • Bought a bad-ass loft condo
  • Finished a first draft of an advice book
  • Started exercising three days a week, then four
  • Went from a size XXL to size Large
  • Performed in three comedy festivals
  • Got a badass new job at Breaking News (download our apps!)
  • Finished multiple drafts of multiple television and movie scripts
  • Went from 42-inch waist to 36-inch
  • Went from hating myself daily to relatively enjoying myself

A lot of this is what I externally accomplished, what I can show on paper. But I think that last one is the most important.

I’ve learned a lot in two years, so I thought I’d share that with you, in case you’d like to take a break from the booze cruise. Also, that’s what I tell myself: I’ve taken a break. Maybe I’ll drink again. Maybe I won’t.

But overall, life seems to be a shitload better for me because I took a break. Perhaps it could be for you, too.

From this excerpt, Andy goes on to listing the top nine things that he’s learned in the past two years during his journey. I recommend clicking on through the link below to reading the full article; he writes about some of the absolutely positive lessons one can re-learn about life through sobriety.

What I learned not drinking for two years by Andy Boyle

Day 40 rerun

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On Wednesday, I was trying to find an image of the number 40 that I would find suitable for yesterday’s Day 40 post. I didn’t have any grand ideas for the post… 40 is just a nice round number to comment on.

After entering ’40 days’ into Google, the search results came in with an unusually heavy weighting in Christianity and the bible. I’m not religious but this caught my interest. What is the significance of the number 40 in the bible?

It seems that there are many biblical stories where God would test man with various trials and, often, the duration of these trials were… 40 days. Weird. I didn’t look into thoughts or theories on why this was; I only have so much tolerance for preaching and every website had just too much preaching for me. I did take note of the biblical stories in question and, unfortunately, none of these trials would have starred Charleton Heston or involved Jesus riding a raptor. Sorry.

I’m not making any religious parallels here. Unless there’s a parallel that involves Nic Cage… then, why the hell not? 40 days… it’s just an interesting coincidence.

But, yeah, yesterday was my 40th day of sobriety and, holy fuck, it was boring. I had text messaged a friend earlier in the day saying, “I don’t need a drink but I could really go for a beer right now.” It wasn’t like I was going to actually have a beer but it was just one of those days where I was needing to unwind. A beer was just my old familiar way to unwind. Instead, I relaxed in my chair after work, watched some hockey on TV and ended up in bed around 9:30 pm out of pure exhaustion. That’s kind of been my modus operandi lately. Chillaxing. 

Back To The Grind

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Today was my second day back at work; my first day back in the office was so tiring that I ended up in bed at 8:30 pm and I was only there for about 6 ½ hours. 

It was very mentally stimulating though because I was asked many, many, many times what happened and how I’m doing etc. Being ‘on‘ and engaging was mentally tiring and then traveling to the clinic to find out the results of my MRI didn’t do me any favours either. 

The good news of the day yesterday was that surgery on my shoulder is not required. Two more weeks of wearing this brace and then 2+ months of physiotherapy and I’ll be tip-top. My rotator cuff was not torn and the bone fracture in my socket (I don’t know the technical term of where the fracture is) apparently looks like it hasn’t changed or grown larger and should heal on its own. 

Today, I started doing a lot more work. I should maybe be a lot more tired than I am but I think that, in a way, the work was less stressful and helped me to be ‘off‘ a little. I am also re-learning my job since I was relatively new to the position before having my seizure and was then on Short Term Disability for a month. 

My biggest point of contention is that I’m now a one-handed typist. Specifically, a one-finger typist and I was a relatively adept typist with two hands. Now, I’m ridiculously slow and it pisses me off. 

Both yesterday and today were challenging though. I wanted a drink at the end of the day… not a real hardcore craving but just the feeling that a drink would be nice to relax. Regardless, the feeling was fleeting and I maintained my sobriety. It’s been 30 days since my last drink and I’m feeling proud of that and it’s something I want to maintain. 

This is reading to be a very short, disjointed collection of anecdotes rather than some kind of proper blog posting. I think this is a signal that I’m maybe more tired than I thought. Time for me to close this off before I crater completely. 

28 Days Later

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So I’ve officially been sober for 28 days. I mean, I’m less than an hour away from a full-on technical 28 days but I’m not one to quibble about it at this point. Unless some booze deity appears from the netherworld and starts funnelling alcohol into my gullet before midnight… I think I’m pretty safe. 

I will be returning to work tomorrow. I’m not looking forward to all of the questions and everything that happened the last time everyone saw me when I was a seizing disaster. But it is what it is, my crew is pretty tight and they were all legitimately concerned for me. So it will all be good; basically, I won’t be getting anything done tomorrow and that’s an ok way to ease back into it. Plus, I’m approved to return on reduced hours if need be. 

My biggest concern is that this will be the first real test of my sobriety. I feel strong now and haven’t been challenged too much. Once work stress enters the picture, will that make a difference? Will my resolve hold? I haven’t done all of my homework that I should have but I feel like I have it together. 

Also, I’m looking forward to finding out that the results of my MRI tomorrow. I would love to never have to wear this massive brace ever again. If it’s surgery, that dream is gone.

Anyway, I bid you good evening. And I apologize for luring you in with the false hopes of zombies. Had to be done. 

Day 26

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 26 MUTHAFUKKA!!  
I was about to write, “I’m not sure if it’s stupid to keep writing posts like this,” but fuck that noise. This is my blog, my journey and my little space to track whatever I want. I’m not fishing for a virtual high five or a pat on the back; I’m making this statement as a matter of public record. 

It’s Day 26 of me being sober. It’s also the fifth session of a five day workshop at Edmonton’s downtown Addiction Services office for Self-Evaluation & Support. This session is about Relapse Prevention. 

So far, I haven’t felt a lot of challenges with respect to wanting or needing a drink. I’ve learned a ton about addiction and substance abuse; some of the things apply to me and some of the things, I feel, don’t apply to me. But that’s one of the things about addiction, it’s not the same for everyone. It’s pretty much like anything in this world, the experience can be vastly different because people are inherently different. 

This workshop has taught me first hand, amongst many things that I will likely write about in the future, is that addiction and substance abuse affects people from every demographic of society that you can possibly imagine. I base this statement upon the fact that there are all kinds of people from all walks of life in these sessions. 

While I know that I have had it pretty easy with respect to cravings and challenges to my sobriety, I know that I haven’t been living within the exact same routine that got me to the point of having a seizure at my workplace because of alcohol withdrawal. I’ve been off work for 4 weeks with a significantly reduced stress load. 

I realize that, besides my stress load at work, there are significant triggers for me that are based around not having a supporting family environment. My home isn’t terrible (I know there are people who have to face violence or other people’s addictions or abuse) but the thoughts of not having a spouse who I can talk to or rely upon to just listen has caused me to well up with tears in these sessions (and right now just writing about it) and I’ve had to redirect just to not break down. 

But that’s something for Future Jeff to deal with. Right now, this Jeff has to get his ass to the Churchill station to hop on the LRT for home. 

Sound As A Pound

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 One thing about sobriety is that I’ve actually started dreaming again. I don’t know if it was the source of my dream last night but I forgot to take my Valium yesterday evening. I’m tapering off and I’m taking 2.5 mg twice per day to help deal with withdrawals.

Anyway, I had a dream within a dream. I woke up inside of the dream still drunk from the night before. I had made it to 21 days but would have to start over because I got drunk at some informal reunion with high school classmates. Someone also stole my shoes and I, somehow, broke all of the strings on both of my guitars. 

I was extremely disappointed in myself until I realized within the dream that it was, in fact, just a dream and that I am sound as a pound. I woke myself up to reality and then relief washed over me. 

Today is Day 22. 

Coming Up Dry

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One thing that I’ve noticed… and I mean DISTINCTLY noticed since going sober is that my interest in sex has tanked faster than Drake’s libido after he was kissed by Madonna. 

I’ve always had a healthy appetite, even to the point where I recently had to get myself off five times in one day. But since Day Zero, that lust has faded. I’ve reached deep into my spank bank for the best material, I’ve found some great porn vids that would normally have made me dump a load and have me snoring in less time than a prime time TV commercial break. 

Now? Yeah right. I can barely even get turned on. I did get off yesterday evening though for the first time in a couple of weeks. I just hope this trend continues.