Tag Archives: marriage

Day 26

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 26 MUTHAFUKKA!!  
I was about to write, “I’m not sure if it’s stupid to keep writing posts like this,” but fuck that noise. This is my blog, my journey and my little space to track whatever I want. I’m not fishing for a virtual high five or a pat on the back; I’m making this statement as a matter of public record. 

It’s Day 26 of me being sober. It’s also the fifth session of a five day workshop at Edmonton’s downtown Addiction Services office for Self-Evaluation & Support. This session is about Relapse Prevention. 

So far, I haven’t felt a lot of challenges with respect to wanting or needing a drink. I’ve learned a ton about addiction and substance abuse; some of the things apply to me and some of the things, I feel, don’t apply to me. But that’s one of the things about addiction, it’s not the same for everyone. It’s pretty much like anything in this world, the experience can be vastly different because people are inherently different. 

This workshop has taught me first hand, amongst many things that I will likely write about in the future, is that addiction and substance abuse affects people from every demographic of society that you can possibly imagine. I base this statement upon the fact that there are all kinds of people from all walks of life in these sessions. 

While I know that I have had it pretty easy with respect to cravings and challenges to my sobriety, I know that I haven’t been living within the exact same routine that got me to the point of having a seizure at my workplace because of alcohol withdrawal. I’ve been off work for 4 weeks with a significantly reduced stress load. 

I realize that, besides my stress load at work, there are significant triggers for me that are based around not having a supporting family environment. My home isn’t terrible (I know there are people who have to face violence or other people’s addictions or abuse) but the thoughts of not having a spouse who I can talk to or rely upon to just listen has caused me to well up with tears in these sessions (and right now just writing about it) and I’ve had to redirect just to not break down. 

But that’s something for Future Jeff to deal with. Right now, this Jeff has to get his ass to the Churchill station to hop on the LRT for home. 

Embrace The Suck

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So I know that I need to update this more frequently. I have things that I can share. And share I will.

I put in an application for a new job this afternoon. I’m excited about it because it isn’t the chaos and insanity of my current job. I don’t mind my job; often my job is very interesting. However, I’ve grown to hate our client and that is probably not the best feeling to have when you ONLY have one client. And it is taking a personal toll, so I think I need to move on.

Can I put in an online application for a new spouse somewhere? Because I think I need one of those too. YEAH, DIVORCE MOTHERFUCKER!!

In other news, I’m sick of having to trim my nails. I’m not saying that I want to grow my nails long to defy gender stereotypes… I like having short nails. I just hate having to do the upkeep to keep them short. Constantly, I have to clip all ten of my fingers and all ten of my toes and it is a pain in the ass. (Now, I just re-read that and I think I may be admitting I’m super lazy. I’m not sure.) Maybe part of that pain in the ass that bothers me most is the hunt to find the goddamn nail clippers. Maybe.

Back to work for a second; I have to work tomorrow morning… pull some overtime. And I’m going to end up missing Man U beating the shit out of Swansea… kick off at 8:00am local time. And Arsenal kicking the shit out of Crystal Palace… at 8:00am again. And Chelsea pumping Burnley like they were the prom queen in the back seat of a rusted-out Trans Am. Just at 8:00am and in England. With bad teeth. And maybe in the ass.

 

Nothing But Questions

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I feel a need; a need deep inside my heart and soul. It’s something that I can’t necessarily explain off the top of my head however I know that it’s there. It’s black and it’s hollow and it’s vacuous. And it’s inside of me.

What is this? Is it something that I’ve been missing since childhood? Or is it something that has eaten me up in the past decade since I’ve been with HER? I don’t even know who I used to be before I met the BITCH. Then again, was I a man ever worth knowing back then? I really couldn’t say.

And… why can’t I remember? There are so many things that I don’t remember. Is it because I can’t remember or I’m trying hard not to remember? I wish I knew.

 

I don’t think a couple should be married if the husband likes to suck cock more than the wife does.

Waiting For The Night

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Has it really been so long since I posted here? I guess so.

There are many things that I think about during the course of this existence. The thoughts that linger, though, are the ones where I am reminded of how lonely this life is. I crave physical contact.

Of course, the easy go-to is sex. Fucking. Eating pussy or getting my cock sucked. But, really, I’m not overly horny. Plus, there is some associated pressure on getting a hard-on when the last few times I had sex (like over a year and a half ago) I couldn’t even maintain an erection. My wife simply does not excite me. Not even remotely.

The thing that I miss is simply body contact. Kissing. Holding hands. Companionship. Laughter.

My life has none of these things. I am married and I have no relationship with my spouse whatsoever nor do I want one. There is nothing about her that makes me want to spend time with her.

There’s nothing you can do to make yourself love someone. There isn’t anything conscious about attraction or desire.

So what do I do? I live for my kids. I give myself distractions. I drink.

I wait for the end to come.

Pointless

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Well, the year is still 2011 and, yes, this year still sucks. Just in case you weren’t sure.

The segment of my life from January 1st until now has easily been the worst year of my entire life (a trend which, presumably, will continue until December 31st). There been laughter anguish and tears as well as a non-stop cavalcade of misfortune which has challenged my sanity!

“Surely,” you might say, “It can’t be that bad.”

The past nine months has been full of all kinds of misfortune. Sadly, it hasn’t been one of those ‘comedy of errors’ types of misfortune. It’s been ‘I hope this water pipe in the ceiling is sturdy enough to tie a noose to and support my own weight’ kind of misfortune. Even Steven Wright would take one look at me and say, “Whoa. Dude.”

I mean, I could go on and on about the financial assaults from various institutions that have decided to haul off and boot me full-on in the testicles time and time again this year. Or, I could talk about the absolute misery that my career path is bringing me from one day to the next. Or, I could talk about how I haven’t even had sex this year. That’s right. NOT ONCE. And I’m not talking about a “holy shit we got interrupted by the kids”. I haven’t even come close.

Let’s put it this way: I’m the only person that has touched my dick since mid-2010. Now, let that one bounce around in your cranium for a while.

Let me be crystal clear on this issue: anyone who believes in the ‘sanctity of marriage’ is fucking delusional. Or in need of anti-psychotics. Either way, I hate you and I want you to die. Slowly and painfully.

It’s one of those epiphanies where you come home from work and your house looks like an episode of ‘Hoarders’, the dog is humping the shit out of the blanket that your ten year old kid is trying to curl up with and, if you had a molotov cocktail… you might seriously consider lighting it, throwing it into the living room and just walking straight back out to your car to drive away. Not to get too specific or anything. Because an RPG or a simple hand grenade might also do the trick.

Really… with everything that I do and everything that I say, it feels like it’s falling on deaf ears. No one pays attention and no one listens to anything I have to say. It’s pretty much like this blog, actually. Pointless.