I watched this rerun episode of The Nature Of Things about addiction:
http://www.cbc.ca/natureofthings/m/episodes/wasted
I found it very informative but it has left me feeling quite melancholy. I feel like I’m broken and always have been broken… that I was predetermined to be this way. I have wrecked so many things and because of my actions in the past, I will continue to wreck things… setting events in
motion that cannot be undone.
Long is the way and hard, that out of Hell leads up to light.
– John Milton, Paradise Lost
Self re-discovery can be difficult when you don’t see yourself in the best light to start with. Getting sober and separated all in such a short time while my kids are moving from teenagers into young adults has left me realizing that I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve lived for so long doing things for other people out of necessity that I have real issues with doing things for myself; I see it as a waste or an extravagance.
I have issues (which should come as a shock to no one, everyone has issues of some type) and find that they really restrict my ability to find happiness in anything. This is probably the source of why I started to drink in the first place and has, to date, remains unaddressed.
I don’t talk about me a lot. Mainly because it’s easier to ask people about how they are doing and the things that are going on in their lives than it is to open up about the vacuous hole in my chest that is sucking my soul and bringing me ever-closer to oblivion. I know I use this as a deflection. And I use humour as a deflection a lot too. I don’t want to deal with the pain. I don’t know how to deal with the pain.
I feel like this past few years of me coming off the rails, having that seizure, getting sober while being on the brink of losing my job for 18 months straight and then having my wife leave me… I feel like I’ve had an epiphany about who I am and who I am not. And this awakening only amplifies the depression that I was already feeling; that I actually am not as smart as I thought I was. That I’m not as strong as I though I was. That I’m not as liked or desirable as I thought I was.
I know that I somehow have to get past this if I want to be able to find some kind of happiness. It’s the ‘HOW’ that I have issues with.
If you’ve followed this blog for a little while you’ll have an understanding of my battle with alcohol… and what I’ve been up to.
For a little while, I have been experimenting with alcohol thinking that maybe I could re-introduce it into my life on a controlled basis. It has been a dangerous experiment and probably one that I thought I could do successfully. I may have talked myself into thinking I could do it because of my condition.
I’m realizing that I can’t. I’d like to be able to still have that beer at a barbecue or a sporting event but I can’t. It’s just too much of a slippery slope that I inevitably fall down on and crash all the way to the bottom. Right now, I’m laying in bed and feeling like mental, emotional and physical hammered shit because I was drinking yesterday. I hate myself for doing what I did. My state of mind is one of futility and worthlessness and hopelessness. And I don’t want to feel this way.
I was telling myself, as I lay here, that I have to quit doing this. To just stop. And then I realized my own trap… I’m saying that I have to quit this. That I haven’t made a decision or a change by recognizing this. I’m putting it off… delaying the decision. Instead… I am saying to myself… I choose to quit drinking. Right now. I quit.
I feel a need; a need deep inside my heart and soul. It’s something that I can’t necessarily explain off the top of my head however I know that it’s there. It’s black and it’s hollow and it’s vacuous. And it’s inside of me.
What is this? Is it something that I’ve been missing since childhood? Or is it something that has eaten me up in the past decade since I’ve been with HER? I don’t even know who I used to be before I met the BITCH. Then again, was I a man ever worth knowing back then? I really couldn’t say.
And… why can’t I remember? There are so many things that I don’t remember. Is it because I can’t remember or I’m trying hard not to remember? I wish I knew.
I need someone to help me remember. I can’t even express how sad and lonely it makes me feel.
Every time I try to write something, it feels cliché. There are no words that can explain how I feel. I try to avoid thinking about it so that I can get by.
Has it really been so long since I posted here? I guess so.
There are many things that I think about during the course of this existence. The thoughts that linger, though, are the ones where I am reminded of how lonely this life is. I crave physical contact.
Of course, the easy go-to is sex. Fucking. Eating pussy or getting my cock sucked. But, really, I’m not overly horny. Plus, there is some associated pressure on getting a hard-on when the last few times I had sex (like over a year and a half ago) I couldn’t even maintain an erection. My wife simply does not excite me. Not even remotely.
The thing that I miss is simply body contact. Kissing. Holding hands. Companionship. Laughter.
My life has none of these things. I am married and I have no relationship with my spouse whatsoever nor do I want one. There is nothing about her that makes me want to spend time with her.
There’s nothing you can do to make yourself love someone. There isn’t anything conscious about attraction or desire.
So what do I do? I live for my kids. I give myself distractions. I drink.
I wait for the end to come.