Tag Archives: crime

No Safety Anywhere

Last night, my friends and next door neighbours were victims of a violent home invasion last night. They are your average married couple with four young children and were enjoying a quiet night at home. Mr A was outside having a cigar and a vehicle drove up onto their back parking pad and started to try and make their way into the yard. He tried to prevent them from entering which is where I’d assume he got the butt of a gun to the face. They kicked the back door of the house in, dragged Mr A inside and then proceeded to beat the shit out of him in front of Mrs A who was holding their baby. 

One of the most unfortunate parts of this is that this was a total case of mistaken identity. They were looking for drugs, thinking the A’s house was a drug house. What the police told us was that this may have been a gang type drug attack. Rather than go and buy their drugs to sell, sometimes these jackasses will raid another known drug house and steal the drugs. Obviously, these guys were dumber than shit and took a wrong turn somewhere thinking that this house was a drug house.

Luckily (or unluckily in a way) their two year old daughter walked down the stairs to the living room where the A’s were being assaulted and it was then that these fucking douchebags finally realize they have the wrong house. So they bail out of the house, jump in their vehicle and screw off. If she hadn’t come down, who knows what would have happened. The A’s could be dead right now.

Mr A was a bloody mess and taken away by ambulance to the hospital. Mrs A had dropped their four children off with me and my two sons to keep them occupied and cared. It’s honestly been years since I’ve held a baby. But in the meantime, family members were showing up to our house and the non-stop parade of police officers through my house asking questions of Mrs A about the events of the evening. My boys were a big help though.

The grandparents showed up and took the four kids home with them at 2:00 am so I had a chance to go and look for their dog who was scared out of the house when these thugs kicked the door in. I was out walking all of the paths and popular dog spots that I know of in our neighbourhood but didn’t have any luck. I was out for over an hour and lost my shoes in some mud which forced me to walk home with mud covered bare feet on rock covered road for about 5 blocks. I felt like a hobbit but I got off lucky in comparison. Anyway, as of now, she still remains missing.

I made my way home to shut the back door of their house, the forensic team was done and the police needed to make sure the house was secure before leaving the scene. I grabbed my drill and toolbox and screwed a 2×4 over the door and busted up door frame to close the door solidly. When I stepped downstairs into the living room, I was stunned. The floor in their living room was smeared with his blood all over. Mr A lost a lot of blood and it was everywhere; smeared over a big area, with pools of blood here and there, blood spatters on the wall, on the sofa, all over the kid’s toys.

Mr A is afraid to see his kids and scare them with his condition. He took over 100 stitches to his head and face to close up the wounds and I’m sure he had a lot of scratches and extensive bruising. I haven’t seen him yet either. But the kids are worried about him so I’m sure they will be together very soon and start to heal as a family. Our household will do everything we can to support them too.

JeffLand's Most Wanted

Much like the United States’ Federal Bureau of Investigation has their Most Wanted List of criminals, the New JeffLand Empire also has its own list of ‘Most Wanted; which is a list of people that desperately need to be brought to justice for their crimes.

Sadly, no criminals sought by the New JeffLand Empire have actually faced trial in what some would call our ‘kangaroo court’. (And trust me, there are no kangaroos in our courtroom. A naked midget with a fanny pack? Maybe. A Shih Tzu with a scratching problem? Definitely.) Despite this, we are confident that we can do our part for the global community to make this planet a better place to live in for everyone through the decisive use of swift-handed guilty verdicts and unnecessarily violent and painful sentences.

The NJLE’s Most Wanted List can be found as a page accessible from the menu of the site but for a direct link, click here.  This list is only a start and will be periodically updated as circumstances require.

Justice Is A Dish Best Served Warm… With Ice Cream

Every nation needs to have a constitution and JeffLand is no exception. Without getting into the specifics of the NJLE constitution, there is a clause directed towards the theft and consumption of another man’s pie. It reads, and I quote:

No person shall […] be deprived of life, liberty, or pie, without due process of law; nor shall private pie be taken for public consumption, without just compensation.

Now, I bought an apple pie with the youngest Prince over the weekend and we consumed part of it; leaving the remainder of it for my own ‘personal’ use (and for those of you thinking of THAT pie scene in the movie American Pie… get your heads out of the #%$@ing gutter) during the coming work week.

Without naming names, someone consumed the last of my pie before I could even contemplate taking it to work with me.  He was even ballsy enough to do it right in front of me, necessitating me to take this picture as photographic evidence of this crime.

pie thief

Guilty, guilty, guilty.

Obviously, a crime like this cannot go unpunished.  And since my word is law and I am well within my rights, as King, to dole out a swift and merciless punishment against whomever I choose; let it be known from this day forth that the theft of Royal Pie shall be a capital offense, one punishable by death.

Now, whomever it was that ate the Royal Pie, should be lead to the gas chambers* and executed.  However, taking into account that the guilty person is a ginger… I’ve decided that it will be a far more harsh sentence to let the boy live than to put him out of his misery.  Judgment has been passed.

*Note: The NJLE gas chambers consist of having to sit in a confined space with me for two hours after I’ve eaten cabbage, beans and broccoli.