Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Cold (And Unwashed)

There are many reasons why parents are excited about their teenagers growing up and moving out. For me, one thing that I am really going to enjoy about my kids moving out onto their own will be visiting them and spending the afternoon or evening in their place doing something with them like watching sports on TV.

While I’m there, I will go into their cupboards, get a glass and fill it to the top with milk or juice or whatever they are keeping in their fridge at the time. I will then drink precisely half of the beverage in the glass and leave the half full glass (or half empty depending on your perspective) somewhere within their apartment or house. Maybe on the counter… maybe on the table… maybe on the living room carpet next to the sofa. Basically, anywhere except inside the dishwasher or the kitchen sink. 

Throughout the afternoon or evening, I will repeat this process over and over until I’ve used all of their glasses and have to move on to their hodgepodge set of random coffee mugs. And then I will do the same with their coffee mugs, leaving them partially full of liquid and strewn wherever I absentmindedly please. 

It will be hard for me to contain my wicked giggle but I will do it until I’ve used every dish that could potentially hold a drink, even the measuring cups. And then, I will bid them good evening and head home… leaving them to clean up after me for a change. 

Facebook…

…you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. We must be cautious.

Ok, maybe scum and villainy isn’t completely accurate when describing the masses who use it. A more wretched hive of dumb and inanity? This has got to be closer.

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Anyway, I used to post on Internet forums back in the day. I witnessed and was part of a flame war or two. However, I grew tired of the continual attacks and stupidity and completely over the top trolling. So I left. I decided that I didn’t need that kind of negativity in my life. There is enough in the world already without me going and actually searching it out.

And now, years later, my Facebook news feed is pretty much the same thing. Idiotic flame wars, partisan political memes, inflammatory pseudo-journalism and pure assholery. That’s all I see now.

I’ve gone to the extent of unfollowing the attention whores who post non-stop selfies, the pushers who want to use your Facebook as a platform and your friendship as a springboard to sell you shit, the dickheads who just want to troll everyone politically… I’ve tried. And failed.

I have almost reached my negativity saturation point where I am going to end up pulling the plug on this social media outlet and walk away. It’s coming soon.

A Boast

My wife claims to know how to make a bed with hospital corners. I refute this claim, I’ve never even seen her make the bed in over 15 years. 

Yeeaaaaah…

If Facebook has taught me one thing, it’s that opinions are like assholes: everyone has one, they stink and you really need to keep them to yourselves.