Handing Off

Originally written on March 9th, 2017

Well. Welly welly well well. 

I’ve been trying to multitask the shit out of everything and avoid dropping the ball on a project that I’ve been working on. And, predictably, its resulted in me starting to drop the ball on ALL of them. That’s kind of how it works when it comes to trying to do too much; you end up sucking at EVERYTHING. 

So I had to have a hard discussion with my Supervisor and Project Lead for one of the jobs that I just can’t do it all. Because I also have this other role in the company that I fill which I can’t plan for that also messes up my shit. 

Anyway, it has and is going to continue to require me putting in some overtime. There is some stuff that I need to wrap up and hand off on one job and then other things I need to do to get caught up on another two jobs where *I’m* the Project Lead. There is engineering to be done and materials to be bought… and I ain’t done shit. 

I feel bad doing it, like I’m leaving a co-worker in a lurch… but it will be worse later if I don’t do it now. I have a bad habit of taking on too much and not managing my workload properly. I’ve gotten better but it’s still a problem for me. 

Lost To The Ether

Originally written on March 2, 2017

This probably would have been a better idea for me to do years ago when I was writing a lot more. Now, it feels like I’ve already lost the vast majority of my writing to the cyber-ether. I would like to be able to look back at my documented history and reflect upon it. Maybe marvel at some of the things I wrote in that it was I who wrote something well thought out and poignant. 

Sometimes, the old ways are still the best. When all is said and done, a book with withstand the test of time far better than memory; nothing and no one can escape the ravages of time. Not even technology. Especially technology. If I want to view some of those writings that I saved within that XML file, it isn’t easy. All of those words are interspersed amongst so many code fragments that it is barely intelligible. 

Even writing this is pointless unless I transfer it to paper. These words will be stored somewhere within Apple’s iCloud servers and easily lost and/or deleted. That seems to be the progression of our society; that we continue to own less and less. We lease this, rent that, subscribe so that we can borrow… none of it is OURS. It’s someone else’s property. Without that ownership, we have no control over it and, thus, have less control of our own lives. We are more easily becoming pawns to be manipulated en masse.

I’m not overly materialistic however I do recognize the pattern of society handing over ownership of our own destinies to both government institutions and, more significantly, to corporations. It’s a choice we make in our search for cheaper and more convenient. As space around us is taken away, our individual footprint becomes smaller and smaller. 

Darkness Within


Here in the darkness that I lay, depression heavy in its weigh. And how my body aches to leave, to sing its final eulogy. My sons I love you evermore and, though the road beckons once more, I see the damage that I’ve done in search for redemption.

But I am just a broken man whose soul cries out to understand how the madness shatters me. Upon the stage on bended knee, I scream out loud at skies above that answer mute, bereft of love. I struggle not to fall from grace or sing the hymns of my disgrace.

We build cathredrals to our pain, establish monuments to attain freedom from all of the scars and the sins lest we drown in the darkness within.

Mystery’s forgotten chords; I strum in vain to please the Lord but he has never answered me, my faith has waned eternally. In empty men who pass along, the woes of all religions wrong. But now the shadowed veil it falls… heed the clarion call. 

So pray to music, build a shrine, listen in these desperate times. Fill your heart with every note, cherish it and cast afloat because God is in these clef and tone. Salvation is found alone; haunted by its melody, music it will set you free. Let it set you free…

We build cathredrals to our pain, establish monuments to attain freedom from all of the scars and the sins lest we drown in the darkness within.

Music, my saviour. (Save me.)

We build cathredrals to our pain, establish monuments to attain freedom from all of the scars and the sins lest we drown in the darkness within.

I Apologize

One day the shadows will surround me. Someday the days will come to end. Sometime I’ll have to face the real me. Somehow I’ll have to learn to bend. 

And now I see clearly…

All these times I simply stepped aside; I watched but never really listened as the whole world passed me by. All this time I watched from the outside, never understood what was wrong or what was right. I apologize. 

One day I’ll face the Hell inside me. Someday I’ll accept what I have done. Sometime I’ll leave the past behind me. For now I accept who I’ve become. 

And now I see clearly…

All these times I simply stepped aside; I watched but never really listened as the whole world passed me by. All this time I watched from the outside, never understood what was wrong or what was right. I apologize. 

One day the shadows will surround me. 

All these times I simply stepped aside; I watched but never really listened as the whole world passed me by. All this time I watched from the outside, never understood what was wrong or what was right. I apologize. 

I apologize. 

The Book

I deactivated my Facebook account and deleted the app tonight. That website has become worse than Mos Eisley… so, yeah, it’s gotten pretty bad.

The longer that I’ve been on it, the volume of negative things seem to end up in my news feed continues to grow and grow. And I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. I should read more or get more active or… well, I could do anything and it would be better than opening up that app and scrolling through click-bait, misinformation, random hate and advertisements. I have a basement and man room that need to be gone through and organized. I could do that.

It’s just like sticking your face into a firehose that’s spraying full bore. Sure… you’re getting wet. But, at the same time, you are getting your face torn off while drowning. I don’t like the firehose.

Edit: after receiving a couple of text messages from people asking if I was ok, I opted to reactivate my profile and delete the app instead. This saves from freaking people out unnecessarily.

The Power And Impossibilium

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I dreamt about you last night.

It was the first time in a long while that my unconscious mind has wandered down this road. My conscious mind, aware of time and distance, has been battered by the ravages of war. It still longs for things that can never be.

But while I sleep, an alternate universe is woven like a web that glimmers with a fresh morning dew. And in it, I relive your beauty. 

My gaze falls upon your raven hair and its perfect sheen. I can feel your warmth through our clothes as we sit pressed against one another in an overcrowded car. Your scent penetrates the nostrils of my unconscious self with a delicacy that my conscious mind is no longer able to recall. Your smile delights me and your throaty laugh hints towards a deep, untamed passion. My lips are even allowed a subtle moment to brush your bare shoulder, unnoticed by everyone except you and I. 

Here, in this place created by my memory and my imagination, we are unchanged by the events of our conscious lives. Our past is alive, our present is altered and our future is immaterial. It is the moment and I am cleansed by its purity.

Inevitably, I wake to the realization that it is merely a dream, a reflection of the raw power you hold within my heart. I am moved to tears by the beauty of it and also by its impossibility.

We Hates The Snows…

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…we hates the snows FOREVER!!

Winter has come to Alberta; those poor bastards in Calgary got snow on Thursday and we in Edmonton got ours yesterday. The snow that hit the sidewalk or street has melted quickly but the grass and trees are still covered with a layer of the white stuff. 

I busted out my winter jacket today since my fall jacket isn’t quite enough anymore. I pretty much went from wearing NO jacket to having to wear my winter jacket in the span of about three weeks. What the f…..

Also, I’m VERY thankful that my outdoor soccer season ended last weekend… and even ended with a sunny day. It’s officially full-on indoor soccer season now which I have been enjoying immensely… it’s a fantastic workout!

There are many, many days of winter ahead of us… this is only the beginning.