The End Is The Beginning Is The End

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Writing is hard.

Well, for me, I always try to write honestly and on a subject that I know something about; writing becomes hard when I’m trying to force it.

I have always believed that there is so much that can be learned about the present and the future by studying the past. It helps to know where you once were to understand where you should be going… where you need to be going. This is why I am doing this, writing about myself so that I can try to avoid making some of the same choices that got me to where I was.

From what I can remember; I used to spend a lot of time trying to forget… to ignore that a person even lived inside this skin. I drank a lot; I lived like escaping into the bottle was committing some kind of poetic, slow suicide. It was the most cowardly method and it seemed appropriate for a coward; a passive allowance with no heady commitment that comes with a firearm or a blade.

Are there a lot of insights that I can take away from what I can remember? I’m really not sure. I’ll keep writing and I guess we’ll see.

The process of addiction is generally a long one and rarely can one moment along that journey be identified as a watershed moment, changing every other moment that happens after it. In contrast, initiating the process of recovery is often the exact opposite. Often, one single moment will tip the balance toward recognition that there is a problem and that something needs to be done about it. Maybe it’s losing your job. Maybe it’s having your husband or wife leave you. Maybe it’s being arrested by the police. Maybe it’s suffering an overdose.

Right at this moment, I accept that when it comes to substance abuse, sometimes it doesn’t matter where you were. Sometimes, what matters is that you acknowledge that you can’t go back there ever again. It’s knowing that every minute of every hour of every day going forward is a battle. It’s choosing to be stronger than the you from before. It’s choosing to go to war against something that wants to destroy you.

Day 40 rerun

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On Wednesday, I was trying to find an image of the number 40 that I would find suitable for yesterday’s Day 40 post. I didn’t have any grand ideas for the post… 40 is just a nice round number to comment on.

After entering ’40 days’ into Google, the search results came in with an unusually heavy weighting in Christianity and the bible. I’m not religious but this caught my interest. What is the significance of the number 40 in the bible?

It seems that there are many biblical stories where God would test man with various trials and, often, the duration of these trials were… 40 days. Weird. I didn’t look into thoughts or theories on why this was; I only have so much tolerance for preaching and every website had just too much preaching for me. I did take note of the biblical stories in question and, unfortunately, none of these trials would have starred Charleton Heston or involved Jesus riding a raptor. Sorry.

I’m not making any religious parallels here. Unless there’s a parallel that involves Nic Cage… then, why the hell not? 40 days… it’s just an interesting coincidence.

But, yeah, yesterday was my 40th day of sobriety and, holy fuck, it was boring. I had text messaged a friend earlier in the day saying, “I don’t need a drink but I could really go for a beer right now.” It wasn’t like I was going to actually have a beer but it was just one of those days where I was needing to unwind. A beer was just my old familiar way to unwind. Instead, I relaxed in my chair after work, watched some hockey on TV and ended up in bed around 9:30 pm out of pure exhaustion. That’s kind of been my modus operandi lately. Chillaxing. 

A Tech-Nerd Nightmare 

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I’m writing this post on my iPhone 6. I bought the 6 unlocked from Apple around a year ago because I had just received a large tax refund from Revenue Canada and I was sick of being locked into one carrier and being told when I would be ‘eligible for an upgrade’ to a new device. 

Since the iPhone 6S was released, I’ve been contemplating privately selling this phone and upgrading to an unlocked version of the new model. I figure that it’s probably the best way to get maximum value I can for this device.

This morning, I was using these thoughts as inspiration for the tech horror-show nightmare I woke from. I had either sold this device or traded it in favor of acquiring some kind of new unnamed Apple device (which was about the size a larger paperback novel) and the ‘new’ Apple Hat. 

Yes, you read that right. The Apple Hat. 

 
The imaginary ‘Apple Hat’ was a brilliantly bright white hat that somehow wirelessly connected to the archaic, paperback-sized device to function. It looked very much like a stitched baseball cap but with the same brilliantly bright white ear flaps hanging down like a trapper hat. Think of a hip version of the Hoth Rebel Trooper thermal cap from The Empire Strikes Back. Yeah. That is the Apple Hat.

Needless to say, I woke from this nightmare so quickly that my brain couldn’t conjure up some kind of techy functionality for this wearable. I got out of bed so that I wouldn’t fall asleep again and return to the dream.  

Take Not My Software, Ye Douchebags From Hell

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terminators

March Of The IT Professionals

With all of the blog updates lately and the subject matter change that I’ve been writing about, you can probably guess that I’ve undergone a relatively recent life event associated with my drinking habits. But that’s not what this update is about.

I was out of the office on Short Term Disability for four weeks, as previously written. Because of the way I left the office, my computer was left untouched and would fall into a sleep/standby mode for most of those four weeks.

At some point during those four weeks, corporate-level IT harvested the license for my version of Adobe Professional. Unbeknownst to me at the time of my return, Adobe Professional was removed from my machine during one of the two Windows updates that were installed. 

I should have seen it coming. Once a year, I get an email from some remote, corporate-level IT dickhead in like fucking Guadalajara asking me if I *REALLY* need Adobe Professional because they want to harvest my license and save some money. Every time I get one of these emails, I respond that I *DO* need it and that it’s integral to execution of my work.

Buuuuut… I guess they decided to ignore me this time.

I re-requested access to be able to download Adobe Professional via the usual software management system, a request that was automatically granted. The software management system is supposed to auto-update to show that I can now install the program however… it doesn’t and still hasn’t. 

Technology is just fucking great when it works. The rest of the time? It’s a complete bite in the ass. 

Hunt & Peck Post

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It’s been a long week… and it’s only Wednesday.

Even though I’m trying to work reduced hours to keep myself from aggravating my shoulder as well as getting too tired, I’m not doing a very good job. My whole arm is aching and, because this brace is supporting the dead weight of my left arm, my upper back is feeling it. I’m guessing that this is what a woman with large breasts deals with on a daily basis.

I’m also completely exhausted by the time I’m leaving despite it being an early quitting time. I’m mentally exhausted, I can’t remember things and I generally am lacking in energy. I mean, I forgot my wallet on my desk when I left. Duh.

But… I digress.

I keep thinking that this ‘quitting drinking’ thing should be harder. Not that I’m complaining, mind you. But there is this part of me that wonders if I’m really an addict? I definitely have a substance abuse problem. Of that fact, I have no doubt… I’m a binge drinker. Addicted? I feel unconvinced right now.

BUT.

With all of that being said, the Self-Evaluation & Support workshop I participated in has taught me the stages of recovery. The “questioning of addiction” definitely falls into the list of problems one might experience somewhere along the line. (Granted, this typically falls into the 121-180 days ‘Adjustment’ time period and I’m only on Day 31 but whatever.)

At 31 days, I’m smack-dab in the middle of the ‘Honeymoon’ stage (15-45 days). Common problems that folks in recovery experience include:

  • Reduced craving
  • Have energy but little stability
  • Scattered activity
  • Short attention span
  • Unrealistic confidence in their recovery

So maybe I’m displaying that last one more than anything, I can’t say for sure. I think writing about it helps me regardless. And I really mean it because I wrote this whole fucking post typing with one finger. Ugh.