‘The Sound Of Silence’ by Disturbed

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Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains…
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone
‘Neath the halo of a streetlamp
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light
That split the night…
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more
People talking without speaking
People hearing without listening
People writing songs that voices never shared
No one dared…
Disturb the sound of silence

“Fools” said I, “You do not know
Silence like a cancer grows
Hear my words that I might teach you
Take my arms that I might reach you”
But my words like silent raindrops fell
And echoed in the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon god they made
And the sign flashed out its warning
In the words that it was forming
And the sign said “The words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls
And whispered in the sounds of silence”

Dangerous Experiment

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Geez, it’s been three weeks since I updated this site. I’m not exactly sure why, I guess it’s because I’ve been busy and making a point of trying to keep busy. I’ve been doing all kinds of yard work on the weekends now that it’s nice outside and also been tackling some indoor problems as well. Little by little, making improvements large and small. 

I guess my lack of updates could also come from me not wanting to write about admitting that I had a relapse, something that’s been on my radar to write about but hadn’t got around to doing. 

It was an intentional relapse; I wanted to see if I could have a casual drink and just slowly reintroduce alcohol as a possibility in my life. Booze is everywhere and I do enjoy the taste of a cold beer on a hot day with friends… that kind of thing. Just social events. I have this mental block that good times and beer are mutually exclusive, something I need to get past. 

Anyway, without getting into a ton of detail, I put myself to the test with some booze while everyone in my family was either away or out for the evening on a Sunday night. 

I found that I still have an issue with portion control. Stopping at one drink had been an issue for a long time. And after that single drink, I would eventually drink to excess. It wasn’t so much that I drank every day (until I was at the end) but that I couldn’t have only one drink. This time, my intentional relapse, proved to me that it’s still an issue… that it’s a very slippery slope between one drink and complete intoxication. 

So, I had effectively failed my test… which is kind of a no-brainer given the setting in which I conducted the test in the first place. (At home, alone etc.)

But the true measure of success for any experiment is the learnings that one takes away from it. I’m a man of science and post-experiment analysis is something that is necessary to offer up any kind of intelligent truths. 

I had to go to work the next day and, let me tell you, I was shocked by the fact that I used to go to work on a fairly regular basis feeling like that. 

I felt like SHIT. I was dehydrated all to hell. I was exhausted; both sleepy AND physically drained. My entire body ached down into my bones… like ACHED. I had a ravenous hunger ALL DAY that couldn’t be sated. My bowels were voicing their disdain with me by forcing me into notching a ‘shat-trick‘, all before the work whistle blew and I rode down the tail of a dinosaur to my car and left work. 

And the fucked up part is that I wasn’t even all that hungover by most standards. But after feeling straight and hangover free for months, I quickly got a wake up call about why I like sobriety so much. 

I very much prefer to never feel that way… ever. LOL I don’t care how good of a time it is, ain’t nuthin worth doing that again. It pretty much solidified my higher order thinking into the understanding and acceptance that I don’t want and don’t need alcohol in my life. And if I have a craving at some point in the future, I know that I have a moment in time to look back on and say to myself, “do you want to feel like that again? No sir, you certainly do not.”

Basically, I am not completely sure whether or not I answered my own question from the start of my experiment, ‘Can I have a casual relationship with alcohol?’ I anticipated a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer to the question. I discovered the real answer is that I don’t want to have any relationship with alcohol at all. 

‘Turbo Killer’ by Carpenter Brut

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I was looking up new industrial music a few months back and the name Carpenter Brut came up, I can’t say that I was blown away at the time just because my expectation was different than the music. Having listened to Perturbator since and recognizing that they are musically similar in their devotion to 80s movie soundtrack revival-type music, I came across Carpenter Brut’s video for Turbo Killer on Vimeo and decided that maybe it was time to give them another chance.

Vimeo link, in case you want to avoid the commercials on YouTube: Turbo Killer

 

 

Retail Therapy, Man-Style

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Looking back on it, yesterday was pretty hard for me… from a keeping sober perspective, anyway. 

Winter is on the decline and the sun was out, ushering in spring time… I was off work around noon and had all kinds of me time. I was euphoric and excited and stress-free, it was great! I wanted a drink though as this would have been a common way for me to celebrate a Friday afternoon of awesome freedom. And, ironically, this desire for a drink… be it a beer or a whiskey… was causing me stress on an otherwise stress-free day. 

Eventually, I’d get home and was kind of down in the dumps. For the past week and a bit, I have been supercharged for planning home renovations and organizing and cleaning up. Yesterday into the evening, I couldn’t put two and two together on anything like that. The kids were out for the evening and the wife was at work until the wee hours so it was all me at that point with my own thoughts. 

I was in Hell, gentlemen… let me assure you. 

I had almost given myself permission to go out for a drink at a nearby bar/pub and the time was coming up on 8:00 pm. I was conflicted about the thoughts and decided that sitting around thinking about it was not the way to go. I got my clothes on, jumped in my Jeep and drove my ass down to Cabela’s. 

  I have been gearing up for doing more family camping and to also start doing some backpacking trips this summer. I know that I need a few more specialized items for backpacking rather than just camping; one of those things being a tent of more appropriate size. The one I bought at the start of this whole gearing up process was done in a hurry and from an uneducated headspace. 

  Also, I started playing Airsoft with my 14 year old son last year. After getting a gift card at Cabela’s for Christmas, I went out and bought my own gun to play with. However, to be able to play with the piece I bought, I’m going to need a second clip for ammunition since reloading a clip during a match is a good way to get yourself shot.

  Finally, I have been trying to find ways to save money and trim up our finances at home. We have grown accustomed to a lifestyle of excess and waste… I am guilty as well. I decided to stop buying Starbucks coffee every morning and start making my own at home. However, I don’t have a reliable vessel to transport my morning wake-up juice in so I was on the market for an insulated Thermos. 

So I bought these three items while at Cabela’s. The tent was showing as discontinued in their system and the only one left in the store was the floor model… so I bought the floor model with a $20 discount off list price. 

After I left the store, my focus was on getting into nature and doing positive things rather than on drinking. As I drove out of the parking lot, I passed a liquor store… and just kept on driving, with a smile on my face I might add.