Death lies heavy upon one

who, known exceedingly well by all,

dies unknown to himself.

Seneca, Thyestes, 400

Our frustration is greater when we have much and want more than when we have nothing and want some.

-Eric Hoffer

Maybe it was all but a fantasy. Maybe it was a daydream that I loved to immerse myself in, one where I could revel in your company and finally live the next phase of my life in relative happiness and contentment. Countless times over the years I’ve thought of us finally together; you, my perfect person.

Is that completely dead? Only time will tell, I suppose. It’s been 11 days since I let you leave without placing excessive burdens to carry. I know that you already have enough burdens on your back and within your soul. I firmly believe that you have many life changes to sort through to get you back onto the path that will lead you up to the light. I also firmly believe and have faith that you will return to me. It’s this faith in us that gives me hope for the future.

Would it have helped us for me to scream and cry out when you needed to leave? Certainly not. It would have been another series of burdens for you to process. Instead, I will remain to be your rock and you will always be my ocean. I will be here for you when you are ready to come back to me.

It’s been over a year since I wrote here last.

I used to love to write. I could write passionately about a lot of things, have some kind of insight on a topic. I could feel good about what I wrote because it was something that I believed in or knew something about.

These days… and for a few years now… I’ve come to accept that there are no answers and there are no truths in this world. I used to think that I knew so much about life and the world but now I realize that I know nothing about anything. I realize that life is inherently without value or meaning. And that makes me sad.

So incredibly sad.