Category Archives: The desk of the King

“I’ll Be In My Office” (Life Achievement)

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In hockey, there is the term ‘hat-trick’ which refers to a player scoring three goals in a single game. The origins of the word can be researched here: Hat-trick (Wikipedia).

Building off of the momentum of one of hockeys most celebrated feats of skill, a new term has arisen called the ‘shat-trick’, which of course refers to someone taking three shits in a single day. Gruesome to some, celebrated by others.

It would be me that would have to take the glory of the shat-trick, elevate its importance and then attribute a Life Achievement to it. So, I unveil the challenge:

I’ll Be In My Office

In order to complete this challenge, you must score a shat-trick in a single shift in your workplace.

And I’m not talking about going and sitting in a stall and squeezing off a few farts that echo off the tile… you have to be legitimately ‘conducting your business’ to complete this challenge.

And as a reward for completing this challenge, in true Modern Warfare 2 fashion, you unlock yourself a title:

For the shat-trick

...and I don't want to be disturbed!

Go Or No-Go?

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It’s a fact that a joke can only be funny when there is someone around to hear it.  Otherwise, there’s just a pathetic loser who’s laughing alone.

And the second part is pretty much what I feel like keeping this site up and running.  A pathetic loser.

That being said, I haven’t really come up with any ideas to try and make this site more interesting and I haven’t started advertising it or making it public.  So perhaps that what I should  be doing.  Do I really feel like having to upkeep this site on a regular basis and sending traffic to it?

This remains to be seen.

The Exit Of The Molars

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"I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse."

For my whole life, my 3rd molars (otherwise known as ‘wisdom teeth’) have been intact within my mouth.  The top teeth had erupted long ago and were impacted, facing outwards.  The bottom teeth were also impacted although they hadn’t really erupted.

They’d been hurting for a while and I was looking at doing some kind of orthodontics so it became time for those excess teeth to come out.

This morning, I finally had those teeth out.  I was put under general anaesthetic and awoke around an hour later less four teeth.  And, wow, that medication was pretty awesome.  But once the anaesthetic wore off and the numbing agent in my mouth started to come out… there was a whole lot of hurt there.

I mean, I’d had surgery there.  Four teeth yanked by whatever means necessary and then my gums, one of the more tender parts of your body, were stitched in four separate spots.  So where there’s hurt, there is guaranteed to be a little swelling.

Or, a lot.

I’d put some ice on my face but there wasn’t anything to keep my face from swelling up and making me look like a chipmunk.  Rather than trying to imitate a rodent, I’ve chosen to mimic Don Corleone.  Poorly.

“Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me.”

I’m hoping that the swelling goes down over the night.  And I’m also hoping that my mouth stops hurting so fucking much because I’m really sick of eating apple sauce and drinking beef broth or bottles of Ensure.  Right now, I’d kill for… well… anything solid.  Mmm… food.

He's More Machine Now Than Man

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Snoring Husband

Do something before she kills you.

For quite a while, the Queen has really been on my case about my snoring problem.  And when I say my snoring problem, I am really saying that it’s her that has the problem with the fact that I snore like a buzz-saw.

For a moment, let’s set aside the fact that she’s a borderline insomniac anyway and focus on her observation that, besides my snoring, I’ve also exhibited signs of sleep apnea.  The main sign is that I often would stop breathing completely for a short period while asleep.  Other signs included some real nasty leg twitching and chronic exhaustion.

So, after much urging and persuasion (read: nagging) by the Queen, I talked to my doctor about it who hooked me up with an appointment with an otolaryngologist (ear, nose and throat doctor) who makes a ton of money shooting lasers into people’s throats at $1,500 a pop.

I originally thought that it would be pretty easy to diagnose the problem, he’d set me up with an appointment and bim-bam-boom… I’d be on the wrong end of a laser that would scar the back of my throat and suck my bank account dry at the same time.

Goldfinger's Laser

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to DIE!

Of course, I was foolish to think that it could be this easy.  He examined my nose and throat before recommending that I take a sleep test as he thought that zapping me wouldn’t be the fix-all that I hoped it might be.  I guess I should be grateful that he isn’t a trigger-happy doctor.

Eventually, I got a call from the respiratory health services folks who hooked me up with a sleep test machine.  I took it home and, that night, I hooked it all up right before bed.  Given that I had all kinds of tubes and wires running to me, I actually slept pretty well that night.  The following Monday, I took the machine back to their office for analysis of the data.

Darth Vader

I find your lack of faith disturbing.

About a month later, the results came back telling me that I have ‘Moderate Obstructive Sleep Apnea’.  No shit, Sherlock.  The report that came back from the test said that I had a Respiratory Distress Index (RDI) of 20; which meant that I had 20 events per hour where I would stop breathing.  Over 40 events is considered severe.

What they recommended was that I take home a C-PAP machine (Continuous Positive Airway Pressure) on a trial basis to see if it would make much of a difference in the quality of my sleep.  The problem with this machine that it’s actually a total bitch to even be able to fall asleep with the mask and tube apparatus on.  I’ve switched from the nasal mask to a different mask that covers my nose and mouth which I’m hoping will help with the problem.  Of course, when I’m laying in bed trying to drop off… I can’t help but feel somewhat like the über-nerd version of Darth Vader with this ventilator pumping air to the mask that I have to wear.

Anyway, the machine costs in the range of $1,800 to $3,000 if I were to buy one.  So I don’t want to go into this all whilly-nilly, if I have to fork over that kind of cash… I’d like to know it’s actually going to work.

Status Quo

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And it's time to frolic!

And it's time to frolic!

Not exactly a State Of The Union address… but much hasn’t changed in JeffLand.  We’re sort of in between sports at the moment and some time has been freed up for some relaxation and frolicking in the new-found sun!  Spring is almost here and I’m loving it.  The snow is melting and the brownish-greys of winter are slowly washing away with the greens of spring slowly making their way to the surface.  Slowly… a little too slowly if you ask me.  I’ll take it however it comes, though, since spring is infinitely better than winter.  And if I could ever get past the daylight savings time change… I’d be set.

The workplace has been crushing my soul every day and after a long, cold winter… I’m getting a little squirrelly and needing to get the #$%& out of there.  It’s not like I have anywhere I want to be or need to be, I just can’t stand being at my desk in that cubicle.  Perhaps a visit to the JeffLand embassy some place tropical is in order.  I’ll see what I can do about the national debt and setting it back a little.

JeffLand Prevails!!!

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There’s one thing about ruling a nation lying this far north; the weather can get very unruly in the winter months. Today, we experienced a day’s worth of falling snow which caused the drive home to be a little dicey. There were several accidents which turned my thirty minute commute into a full hour endeavor. The highways and by-ways were covered in snow and ice, making the roads slick and creating an overnight job for Edmonton’s snow removal crews.

Luckily for me, JeffLand is small and the snow removal budget can be kept to a minimum; some sidewalk salt and, at worst, a new snow shovel. Occaisionally, it may cost me a hot chocolate from Tim Hortons if I contract the work out to one of the princes.

However, with the Christmas season being so close, having tons of snow and extreme cold isn’t condusive to leaving the house to go shopping. As such, there isn’t much under the tree thus far. It hasn’t helped that we’ve taken a financial hit this year and money is tight. Much like every other nation in the world, JeffLand has felt the effects of the global recession. So we’ve tried to do what we can and pinch pennies where it’s possible.

Even with this financial strife, we’ll find a way. JeffLand prevails!!