Category Archives: Recovery

What I Learned Not Drinking For Two Years

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I came across this fantastic post on Medium.com during the Christmas/New Year’s break; I don’t recall how I got there but it struck a chord in me so I saved the link in my drafts to share in the near future.

The article is written two years after author, Andy Boyle, quit drinking and summarizes some of his learnings and successed he’s achieved during that time.

Here’s a short list of what I’ve accomplished since I stopped drinking two years ago:

  • Lost 75 pounds
  • Bought a bad-ass loft condo
  • Finished a first draft of an advice book
  • Started exercising three days a week, then four
  • Went from a size XXL to size Large
  • Performed in three comedy festivals
  • Got a badass new job at Breaking News (download our apps!)
  • Finished multiple drafts of multiple television and movie scripts
  • Went from 42-inch waist to 36-inch
  • Went from hating myself daily to relatively enjoying myself

A lot of this is what I externally accomplished, what I can show on paper. But I think that last one is the most important.

I’ve learned a lot in two years, so I thought I’d share that with you, in case you’d like to take a break from the booze cruise. Also, that’s what I tell myself: I’ve taken a break. Maybe I’ll drink again. Maybe I won’t.

But overall, life seems to be a shitload better for me because I took a break. Perhaps it could be for you, too.

From this excerpt, Andy goes on to listing the top nine things that he’s learned in the past two years during his journey. I recommend clicking on through the link below to reading the full article; he writes about some of the absolutely positive lessons one can re-learn about life through sobriety.

What I learned not drinking for two years by Andy Boyle

Resolutions For Life

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Something that I’ve learned about the topic of resolutions/resolving to change yourself is a  thing that I already knew and understood but couldn’t truly appreciate until going through this past couple of months. With many people making all kinds of New Year’s resolutions, there is a reason why most of them fail.

By virtue of timing, waiting until one specific day for resolving to change, there is a lack of long-term commitment to the change. But the question is ‘why is there a lack of commitment?’

It’s a matter of really wanting the change… owning the change. During the course of our lives, when we recognize a behaviour we have that needs to change, it can be difficult to put priority on it. Odds are, it’s something that we like/enjoy doing but also has a negative aspect to it that detracts from that enjoyment. There is a feeling that we should change our behaviour to eliminate this negative aspect however we don’t really want to change. As a result, the resolution is a half-hearted effort.

This notion that we should change is often due to external pressure placed upon us. Ownership requires internal pressure to affect long-lasting change and is often what’s lacking in a New Year’s resolution.

Now, when you are talking about substance abuse and addiction… things get a little more complicated in the process of committing to change. Ok, they get a lot more complicated but without a personal commitment and ownership to sobriety, the rate of success drops to nearly zero.

I’m not an expert on addiction or sobriety but I do know that you have to really want it in order to stay sober.

The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven.

– John Milton, Paradise Lost

7 x 7 = 49

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I made it through Christmas Day dinner unscathed. It was a family dinner with a dozen other people, the majority of them indulging in alcohol at some point in the evening. 

There was the fridge full of beer, the bottles of wine on the table during dinner, the after-dinner licquers… all of which I had partaken of last year. This year, I would not. 

It wasn’t even all that tempting; I didn’t have any craving for the alcohol around me. It was really more socially awkward for some people than anything else. Others didn’t bat an eye about it. There were plenty of soft drinks and bottled water available and even more great food!

My oldest son would pour himself a can of Guinness which mesmerized me for a moment but only because it’s visually stimulating to watch the frothy stout slug out of an upside down can and then settle out. And the lighting of the Drambuie-soaked plum pudding caught everyone’s attention. 

I don’t know the scientific explanation, but fire made it good.

I made it until 9:30 and then left to bring my oldest son and his girlfriend home to spend some time in my chair with my journal before retiring for the evening. 

Today is Day 49.

Day 40 rerun

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On Wednesday, I was trying to find an image of the number 40 that I would find suitable for yesterday’s Day 40 post. I didn’t have any grand ideas for the post… 40 is just a nice round number to comment on.

After entering ’40 days’ into Google, the search results came in with an unusually heavy weighting in Christianity and the bible. I’m not religious but this caught my interest. What is the significance of the number 40 in the bible?

It seems that there are many biblical stories where God would test man with various trials and, often, the duration of these trials were… 40 days. Weird. I didn’t look into thoughts or theories on why this was; I only have so much tolerance for preaching and every website had just too much preaching for me. I did take note of the biblical stories in question and, unfortunately, none of these trials would have starred Charleton Heston or involved Jesus riding a raptor. Sorry.

I’m not making any religious parallels here. Unless there’s a parallel that involves Nic Cage… then, why the hell not? 40 days… it’s just an interesting coincidence.

But, yeah, yesterday was my 40th day of sobriety and, holy fuck, it was boring. I had text messaged a friend earlier in the day saying, “I don’t need a drink but I could really go for a beer right now.” It wasn’t like I was going to actually have a beer but it was just one of those days where I was needing to unwind. A beer was just my old familiar way to unwind. Instead, I relaxed in my chair after work, watched some hockey on TV and ended up in bed around 9:30 pm out of pure exhaustion. That’s kind of been my modus operandi lately. Chillaxing. 

Hunt & Peck Post

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It’s been a long week… and it’s only Wednesday.

Even though I’m trying to work reduced hours to keep myself from aggravating my shoulder as well as getting too tired, I’m not doing a very good job. My whole arm is aching and, because this brace is supporting the dead weight of my left arm, my upper back is feeling it. I’m guessing that this is what a woman with large breasts deals with on a daily basis.

I’m also completely exhausted by the time I’m leaving despite it being an early quitting time. I’m mentally exhausted, I can’t remember things and I generally am lacking in energy. I mean, I forgot my wallet on my desk when I left. Duh.

But… I digress.

I keep thinking that this ‘quitting drinking’ thing should be harder. Not that I’m complaining, mind you. But there is this part of me that wonders if I’m really an addict? I definitely have a substance abuse problem. Of that fact, I have no doubt… I’m a binge drinker. Addicted? I feel unconvinced right now.

BUT.

With all of that being said, the Self-Evaluation & Support workshop I participated in has taught me the stages of recovery. The “questioning of addiction” definitely falls into the list of problems one might experience somewhere along the line. (Granted, this typically falls into the 121-180 days ‘Adjustment’ time period and I’m only on Day 31 but whatever.)

At 31 days, I’m smack-dab in the middle of the ‘Honeymoon’ stage (15-45 days). Common problems that folks in recovery experience include:

  • Reduced craving
  • Have energy but little stability
  • Scattered activity
  • Short attention span
  • Unrealistic confidence in their recovery

So maybe I’m displaying that last one more than anything, I can’t say for sure. I think writing about it helps me regardless. And I really mean it because I wrote this whole fucking post typing with one finger. Ugh.

Back To The Grind

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Today was my second day back at work; my first day back in the office was so tiring that I ended up in bed at 8:30 pm and I was only there for about 6 ½ hours. 

It was very mentally stimulating though because I was asked many, many, many times what happened and how I’m doing etc. Being ‘on‘ and engaging was mentally tiring and then traveling to the clinic to find out the results of my MRI didn’t do me any favours either. 

The good news of the day yesterday was that surgery on my shoulder is not required. Two more weeks of wearing this brace and then 2+ months of physiotherapy and I’ll be tip-top. My rotator cuff was not torn and the bone fracture in my socket (I don’t know the technical term of where the fracture is) apparently looks like it hasn’t changed or grown larger and should heal on its own. 

Today, I started doing a lot more work. I should maybe be a lot more tired than I am but I think that, in a way, the work was less stressful and helped me to be ‘off‘ a little. I am also re-learning my job since I was relatively new to the position before having my seizure and was then on Short Term Disability for a month. 

My biggest point of contention is that I’m now a one-handed typist. Specifically, a one-finger typist and I was a relatively adept typist with two hands. Now, I’m ridiculously slow and it pisses me off. 

Both yesterday and today were challenging though. I wanted a drink at the end of the day… not a real hardcore craving but just the feeling that a drink would be nice to relax. Regardless, the feeling was fleeting and I maintained my sobriety. It’s been 30 days since my last drink and I’m feeling proud of that and it’s something I want to maintain. 

This is reading to be a very short, disjointed collection of anecdotes rather than some kind of proper blog posting. I think this is a signal that I’m maybe more tired than I thought. Time for me to close this off before I crater completely.