Category Archives: Addiction

Hunt & Peck Post

It’s been a long week… and it’s only Wednesday.

Even though I’m trying to work reduced hours to keep myself from aggravating my shoulder as well as getting too tired, I’m not doing a very good job. My whole arm is aching and, because this brace is supporting the dead weight of my left arm, my upper back is feeling it. I’m guessing that this is what a woman with large breasts deals with on a daily basis.

I’m also completely exhausted by the time I’m leaving despite it being an early quitting time. I’m mentally exhausted, I can’t remember things and I generally am lacking in energy. I mean, I forgot my wallet on my desk when I left. Duh.

But… I digress.

I keep thinking that this ‘quitting drinking’ thing should be harder. Not that I’m complaining, mind you. But there is this part of me that wonders if I’m really an addict? I definitely have a substance abuse problem. Of that fact, I have no doubt… I’m a binge drinker. Addicted? I feel unconvinced right now.

BUT.

With all of that being said, the Self-Evaluation & Support workshop I participated in has taught me the stages of recovery. The “questioning of addiction” definitely falls into the list of problems one might experience somewhere along the line. (Granted, this typically falls into the 121-180 days ‘Adjustment’ time period and I’m only on Day 31 but whatever.)

At 31 days, I’m smack-dab in the middle of the ‘Honeymoon’ stage (15-45 days). Common problems that folks in recovery experience include:

  • Reduced craving
  • Have energy but little stability
  • Scattered activity
  • Short attention span
  • Unrealistic confidence in their recovery

So maybe I’m displaying that last one more than anything, I can’t say for sure. I think writing about it helps me regardless. And I really mean it because I wrote this whole fucking post typing with one finger. Ugh.

Back To The Grind

Today was my second day back at work; my first day back in the office was so tiring that I ended up in bed at 8:30 pm and I was only there for about 6 ½ hours. 

It was very mentally stimulating though because I was asked many, many, many times what happened and how I’m doing etc. Being ‘on‘ and engaging was mentally tiring and then traveling to the clinic to find out the results of my MRI didn’t do me any favours either. 

The good news of the day yesterday was that surgery on my shoulder is not required. Two more weeks of wearing this brace and then 2+ months of physiotherapy and I’ll be tip-top. My rotator cuff was not torn and the bone fracture in my socket (I don’t know the technical term of where the fracture is) apparently looks like it hasn’t changed or grown larger and should heal on its own. 

Today, I started doing a lot more work. I should maybe be a lot more tired than I am but I think that, in a way, the work was less stressful and helped me to be ‘off‘ a little. I am also re-learning my job since I was relatively new to the position before having my seizure and was then on Short Term Disability for a month. 

My biggest point of contention is that I’m now a one-handed typist. Specifically, a one-finger typist and I was a relatively adept typist with two hands. Now, I’m ridiculously slow and it pisses me off. 

Both yesterday and today were challenging though. I wanted a drink at the end of the day… not a real hardcore craving but just the feeling that a drink would be nice to relax. Regardless, the feeling was fleeting and I maintained my sobriety. It’s been 30 days since my last drink and I’m feeling proud of that and it’s something I want to maintain. 

This is reading to be a very short, disjointed collection of anecdotes rather than some kind of proper blog posting. I think this is a signal that I’m maybe more tired than I thought. Time for me to close this off before I crater completely. 

28 Days Later

  

So I’ve officially been sober for 28 days. I mean, I’m less than an hour away from a full-on technical 28 days but I’m not one to quibble about it at this point. Unless some booze deity appears from the netherworld and starts funnelling alcohol into my gullet before midnight… I think I’m pretty safe. 

I will be returning to work tomorrow. I’m not looking forward to all of the questions and everything that happened the last time everyone saw me when I was a seizing disaster. But it is what it is, my crew is pretty tight and they were all legitimately concerned for me. So it will all be good; basically, I won’t be getting anything done tomorrow and that’s an ok way to ease back into it. Plus, I’m approved to return on reduced hours if need be. 

My biggest concern is that this will be the first real test of my sobriety. I feel strong now and haven’t been challenged too much. Once work stress enters the picture, will that make a difference? Will my resolve hold? I haven’t done all of my homework that I should have but I feel like I have it together. 

Also, I’m looking forward to finding out that the results of my MRI tomorrow. I would love to never have to wear this massive brace ever again. If it’s surgery, that dream is gone.

Anyway, I bid you good evening. And I apologize for luring you in with the false hopes of zombies. Had to be done. 

Day 26

 26 MUTHAFUKKA!!  
I was about to write, “I’m not sure if it’s stupid to keep writing posts like this,” but fuck that noise. This is my blog, my journey and my little space to track whatever I want. I’m not fishing for a virtual high five or a pat on the back; I’m making this statement as a matter of public record. 

It’s Day 26 of me being sober. It’s also the fifth session of a five day workshop at Edmonton’s downtown Addiction Services office for Self-Evaluation & Support. This session is about Relapse Prevention. 

So far, I haven’t felt a lot of challenges with respect to wanting or needing a drink. I’ve learned a ton about addiction and substance abuse; some of the things apply to me and some of the things, I feel, don’t apply to me. But that’s one of the things about addiction, it’s not the same for everyone. It’s pretty much like anything in this world, the experience can be vastly different because people are inherently different. 

This workshop has taught me first hand, amongst many things that I will likely write about in the future, is that addiction and substance abuse affects people from every demographic of society that you can possibly imagine. I base this statement upon the fact that there are all kinds of people from all walks of life in these sessions. 

While I know that I have had it pretty easy with respect to cravings and challenges to my sobriety, I know that I haven’t been living within the exact same routine that got me to the point of having a seizure at my workplace because of alcohol withdrawal. I’ve been off work for 4 weeks with a significantly reduced stress load. 

I realize that, besides my stress load at work, there are significant triggers for me that are based around not having a supporting family environment. My home isn’t terrible (I know there are people who have to face violence or other people’s addictions or abuse) but the thoughts of not having a spouse who I can talk to or rely upon to just listen has caused me to well up with tears in these sessions (and right now just writing about it) and I’ve had to redirect just to not break down. 

But that’s something for Future Jeff to deal with. Right now, this Jeff has to get his ass to the Churchill station to hop on the LRT for home. 

Can Santa Do This?

 Ginger snaps!Once you get into the month of December, mention of the word ‘workshop’ conjures images of Santa’s Workshop where an assembly line, sweatshop of green-clad elves/Chinese children toil over the latest in electronic devices or most coveted and fashionable athletic apparel. But for me, today… on December 1, the word ‘workshop’ relates to something different. 

This week (including yesterday November 30th) I am attending a Self Evaluation & Support workshop that seems like it is very much of an education/information session about addiction. The sessions are not specific to any one addiction but tries to address all addictions in a general fashion under a single umbrella. 

In the first two sessions, there are some broader concepts that I have never heard of before however the elements of addiction that were highlighted and discussed are things I can easily latch onto as they are things that I have researched before. 

Thursday and Friday seem to be the sessions that I am taking the most interest in as they deal with ‘Living Well’ and ‘Relapse Prevention.’ I feel that I am doing well with recovery thus far and haven’t felt like it has been too challenging yet. Granted, I still have some Valium to finish up and I haven’t returned to work yet but I feel strong and positive. Plus, I have access to further support through the Addiction Services department as well as Alcoholics Anonymous, if I really feel like I need it. 

Sound As A Pound

 One thing about sobriety is that I’ve actually started dreaming again. I don’t know if it was the source of my dream last night but I forgot to take my Valium yesterday evening. I’m tapering off and I’m taking 2.5 mg twice per day to help deal with withdrawals.

Anyway, I had a dream within a dream. I woke up inside of the dream still drunk from the night before. I had made it to 21 days but would have to start over because I got drunk at some informal reunion with high school classmates. Someone also stole my shoes and I, somehow, broke all of the strings on both of my guitars. 

I was extremely disappointed in myself until I realized within the dream that it was, in fact, just a dream and that I am sound as a pound. I woke myself up to reality and then relief washed over me. 

Today is Day 22. 

Ten Days Sober

I’ve finished ten days of sobriety. Admittedly, I’m an alcoholic and it took a 36+ hour bender followed by a withdrawal seizure where I dislocated my arm in the process to commit me to sobriety. Granted, I’m off work right now on short term disability however things have been going well on my recovery. Going back to work will be the real test of my fortitude but, at this moment, I feel liberated. I feel like I’ve cast off the shackles that alcoholism has clasped around my ankles and wrists. It feels really positive.