Author Archives: jeepr0ck

Born Losers

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The more that I think about this still anticipated split between my wife and I, I’m growing much more at ease with the reality of it. 

I heard this song driving into work this morning; it’s the first single from Canadian singer/songwriter Matthew Good off of his Hospital Music album released roughly 10 years back? (That can’t be right, can it?) Matt had recently split up with his wife Jenny and was very tortured over the whole thing. He went on a long acoustic tour right after which, at the time, felt like it was some kind of therapy for him. After that, he recorded and released Hospital Music which I felt was more therapy for him. 

Listening to the lyrics to Born Losers, I feel that bitterness and also feel that I’m on the verge of freedom and maybe even some kind of vindication. This marriage has largely been an exercise in pain and desperation, grief that I will feel lighter without. 

https://youtu.be/GlrJaw5HK6g

Nature Boy

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I’ve been inspired by ladyn0ttingham over at Blackbird Rising who has thrown up a few photos of her most recent adventure into the natures. I now feel compelled to post a few nature shots of my own from my camping trip out in David Thompson country. 


I took them with my iPhone and didn’t even bother to try and edit them. Cuz I’m lazy like that. 

Deep Thinks On The Over-Plan

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Not every post here has to be a novel nor does it have to be Pulitzer-winning material. I need to remind myself of this… and frequently, it would seem. I start writing things and delete them because they aren’t thought out well or my writing is scatter-brained. 

It’s a chronic problem that I have, it’s my way of procrastinating. Instead of just doing it and letting the chips fall where they may, I analyze it and then over-analyze it until I’ve wasted sufficient time that the moment has passed. This problem doesn’t only apply to writing, I do it with a lot of things… come to think of it, I do it in many areas of my life where I’m afraid to take a step into a large or difficult task. I plan and analyze and often don’t get around to executing the plan and accomplishing that which I originally wanted to do. 

Why is this? Introspection on this matter leads me to wonder if it’s because I’m generally afraid to fail. 

Now, I think that a lot of people might just stop there when they’re getting introspective. But that ain’t me, as I’m telling you… I’m an over-analyzer. (And a procrastinator, don’t forget.) So I ask myself, ‘why am I afraid to fail or even produce something that is not good?’ [note that I never use the term ‘good’ because I feel that it’s over-used and ambiguous so to do it here is me trying to make progress] What is it about producing something in any form that is sub-standard that turns me off? 

Is it evidence that I am sub-standard? Is it proof that I am deeply flawed? Will people think of me differently by seeing the crappy fruits of my labor?

My feeling… my realization is that I have to accept that, regardless of what I do, my efforts are always going to be less than perfect in my own eyes and probably in the eyes of those around me. However, I am always doing and producing things that people see whether I am aware of it or not. I am always being judged and need to become comfortable with that. It’s my own imperfection that needs to drive me to be better and stronger rather than hinder or prevent me from moving forward and growing. 

Like that Featured Image up there… I took that photo on my iPhone and then edited it on my iPhone. It’s probably utter shite but it’s my utter shite. I’m just putting it out there and let it be what it is. 

Not perfect. Probably crap. But it’s mine. And I love it. 

When The Marriage Has Given Up On You

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The majority of people who read this blog don’t have the historical knowledge of my life and, particularly, my marriage. So, for the benefit of the majority of you, I’ll give you a bit of a crash course and try to not make this post too heady.

We’ve been together for 17 years and married for 8 years of that. We have three kids, two of whom are 18+ and the youngest is in high school. 

(Right about now, you are maybe doing some math to figure out how old I am… I’ll help you out, we both started families when we were young.)

She’s a person who believes firmly that if a little of something is good then more is always better. This is a common theme that I’ve observed over time and, because of this tendency, she often steamrolls into (and through) situations making decisions contrary to what most people would regard as common sense. In doing this, she has gotten herself into hot water over and over again. Consequences of these poor decisions range from significant financial setbacks for the family to questionable parenting episodes to her personal safety being in serious jeopardy. 

In the vast majority of these situations, I’ve stepped in to pluck her from the fire because… well, that’s just what you do for your spouse and your family. Often, this comes at your own personal cost and is done thanklessly. I know this just as well as anyone who has found themselves in this role.

Now, fast forward to present day. 

You don’t have to scroll back very far in this blog to see that I’ve had struggles with alcohol. Drinking became a coping mechanism to compensate for my inability to cope with stress and loneliness. My relationship with the bottle finally culminated into me having a grand mal seizure while at work and being taken to the hospital.

It was at this time, while laying on a hospital bed and freshly swearing off booze, that my wife told me if I were to start drinking again… she was going to leave me. 

Going back a few posts in this blog, you’ll note that I dabbled with alcohol again. I’m the type of guy that lives by the adage ‘never say never’ so I generally don’t close a door on any possibility.  I felt like I needed to convince myself that, indeed, I had to close the door on my drinking past and walk away. 

This didn’t go by unnoticed, of course. My wife had no clue since we have been working opposite schedules for years now and rarely see each other. However, my youngest teenage son did notice and finally said something to her a few weeks ago. The very next day, she confronted me and said that she was leaving; stating that I’d had started drinking again that she couldn’t live with it anymore. 

Given the fact that we rarely see each other and that she admitted that she hadn’t even noticed, this statement felt disingenuous and the situation was being used as an excuse or, worse, an opportunity. 

Throughout this past ten months, I’ve felt angry and bitter toward my immediate family that there has been little to no support for me staying sober. I also feel that there has been little to no effort made by them to understand or appreciate how hard this is. So, this past ten months has felt like a gigantic slap in the face that highlights how unappreciated I’ve been for the previous 16+ years of bailing this family, and particularly my wife, out of trouble over and over again. 

Now, my natural tendency is to try to inject humour wherever I can and especially when it’s a painful subject for me. So, when I was reflecting on it at the end of a work day immediately following that weekend confrontation, I related this entire scene to an episode of The Simpsons. The episode in question is titled ‘$pringfield (or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling)’ where Mr. Burns opens a casino in Springfield and Marge ends up developing a gambling addiction.

Homer: You know, Marge, for the first time in our marriage I can finally look down my nose at you.You have a gambling problem!

Marge: That’s true. Will you forgive me?

Homer: Oh, sure! Remember when I got caught stealing all those watches from Sears? 

Marge: [ Groans ]

Homer: Well, that’s nothing, because you have a gambling problem! And remember when I let that escaped lunatic in the house ’cause he was dressed like Santa Claus?

Marge: [ Groans ] 

Homer: Well, you have a gambling problem!

The writers pretty much hit the nail on the head with this episode. I’m feeling a lot like Marge here. And my wife has been Homer for our entire marriage and I’ve never noticed it. 

Maybe this is why she hates The Simpsons.