You don’t fully appreciate how engrained alcohol is in our culture until you’ve taken a step back from consuming it.

I went to a luau at the Honolulu Aquarium with my family last week. My parents renewed their vows on the beach the day prior and invited my brother and his family, my sister and her family and me with my family to be there with them. They also arranged and paid for the luau; it was great value with music and activities for the kids followed by fantastic food and a great show after dinner. There was also lots of booze.

Everyone in my family was drinking… right away, as soon as you come in, it’s one free Mai Tai – alcoholic on one side and non-alcoholic on the other side. Everyone in my immediate area feels the need to point out that I should be having a non-alcoholic one. I don’t know if they think they are helping me but it pissed me off a little.

Shortly after we sat down at our table, my wife went up to the bar and literally got a drink for everyone in my household but me. Alcoholic beverages for her and my eldest son and non-alcoholic beverages for my younger two sons. I made a comment to my brother-in-law (who is cool as fuck, by the way) about my ‘loving wife forgetting to get me a drink.’ I wasn’t meaning a boozy beverage, just something to sip on while sitting around shooting the shit.

(He misunderstood and said, “I’d give you one of these but I’d get in trouble,” thinking that I mean an alcoholic drink. He played it ok in my books but I clarified the next day that I meant a drink in general and that I wouldn’t put him in that position. If I was going to fall off the wagon, I don’t think that I would get anyone else involved in that mess.)

Now, I could deflect my feelings and swallow my anger by saying that I’m a big boy and that I am capable of getting my own drink or giving her an excuse that she already had four drinks and couldn’t manage a fifth… but I’m not going to do that here. Swallowing my anger is what I did in the moment and is a chronic behaviour that has landed me where I am today.

It really pissed me off. She had been making a point of excluding me from all kinds of stuff which stuck in my mind. She wants a picture here with her boys. A picture there with her boys. No mention or inclusion of me in that. And this omission was the last straw… plus, I was already under duress with the whole free Mai Tai thing when we got there.

I had to step away from the table where everyone was sitting. I went over to the outdoor fish tank and watched some tropical fish swim about, trying to calm down. Then I moved to the seal habitat and watched the seal sunning himself on a rock. Eventually, I moved over to a third exhibit when my wife came to check on me. I almost completely broke down into tears. When she asked me what was wrong, I said that I didn’t know what was wrong. But I did know. I was angry and frustrated and hurt and completely overwhelmed with emotion.

She followed me as I went indoors to watch some more fish swimming in some aquariums; I told her that I may leave the luau and to just tell everyone that I wasn’t feeling well. I asked for some time alone as I needed to regroup and centre myself.

During this time, I recorded various types of tropical fish on video and had been recording this weird-looking Nautilus when they started serving dinner. I decided that I had sufficiently collected myself and opted to rejoin everyone for dinner rather than make a scene that I would have to deal with later by leaving.

Members of my family who had noticed that I was absent asked me how I was feeling, my wife had shared the story that I wasn’t feeling well. We all ate dinner together and I tried to just get back to normal as if nothing had happened… which was difficult.

The next day, members of my family were talking to me here and there about the evening. I guess it took some time for everyone to put two and two together about my disappearance at the luau. I heard things like it was maybe ‘tough on me’ and that I had ‘incredible willpower’ to have made it through the evening. Everyone was supportive and no one made a big scene over it which I was thankful for.

The question that I ask myself is… where was the tipping point between being uncomfortable around the drinking and my anger at my spouse for excluding me? Would I have eventually needed to step away from the table if she had brought me a drink? I’ve been around people consuming alcohol before the luau and it didn’t have this effect.

I guess it’s a question that I can’t answer for certain but it is more evidence that I have anger management issues that I need to deal with and need to deal with them to be able to get healthy.