I needed to prove that I could be loyal. That was why it had to end. Now that it has resurfaced, it is proven that I am a scoundrel.

But why has it resurfaced? I allowed it to resurface. Why? Obviously, I am looking for something. There’s something I need that I don’t currently have… it fills some kind of void in my existence. What is it?

Current running theories:

• I crave the feeling of shame. That, for some reason, I need that burden upon me and my conscience.
• I am simply weak. I don’t have the moral constitution to just walk away and never look back.
• I hunger for things that I can’t have. Like a spoiled child, I want those things that aren’t mind and will act out when I can’t get them.
• I crave attention from wherever I can get it. I am an attention whore.
• I am shallow and self-centred. No one else’s feelings matter to me.

As with most things, it is likely a combination of all of these issues mentioned above. And, while I may have some good attributes and characteristics, I am deeply flawed on a personal level. Damaged goods, as they say.

My plan is to analyze these running theories and any other theories that I may have. Try not. Do. Or do not. There is no try.