Long is the way and hard, that out of Hell leads up to light.

– John Milton, Paradise Lost

Self re-discovery can be difficult when you don’t see yourself in the best light to start with. Getting sober and separated all in such a short time while my kids are moving from teenagers into young adults has left me realizing that I don’t know who I am anymore. I’ve lived for so long doing things for other people out of necessity that I have real issues with doing things for myself; I see it as a waste or an extravagance. 

I have issues (which should come as a shock to no one, everyone has issues of some type) and find that they really restrict my ability to find happiness in anything. This is probably the source of why I started to drink in the first place and has, to date, remains unaddressed. 

I don’t talk about me a lot. Mainly because it’s easier to ask people about how they are doing and the things that are going on in their lives than it is to open up about the vacuous hole in my chest that is sucking my soul and bringing me ever-closer to oblivion. I know I use this as a deflection. And I use humour as a deflection a lot too. I don’t want to deal with the pain. I don’t know how to deal with the pain. 

I feel like this past few years of me coming off the rails, having that seizure, getting sober while being on the brink of losing my job for 18 months straight and then having my wife leave me… I feel like I’ve had an epiphany about who I am and who I am not. And this awakening only amplifies the depression that I was already feeling; that I actually am not as smart as I thought I was. That I’m not as strong as I though I was. That I’m not as liked or desirable as I thought I was. 

I know that I somehow have to get past this if I want to be able to find some kind of happiness. It’s the ‘HOW’ that I have issues with.