If you’ve followed this blog for a little while you’ll have an understanding of my battle with alcohol… and what I’ve been up to.
For a little while, I have been experimenting with alcohol thinking that maybe I could re-introduce it into my life on a controlled basis. It has been a dangerous experiment and probably one that I thought I could do successfully. I may have talked myself into thinking I could do it because of my condition.
I’m realizing that I can’t. I’d like to be able to still have that beer at a barbecue or a sporting event but I can’t. It’s just too much of a slippery slope that I inevitably fall down on and crash all the way to the bottom. Right now, I’m laying in bed and feeling like mental, emotional and physical hammered shit because I was drinking yesterday. I hate myself for doing what I did. My state of mind is one of futility and worthlessness and hopelessness. And I don’t want to feel this way.
I was telling myself, as I lay here, that I have to quit doing this. To just stop. And then I realized my own trap… I’m saying that I have to quit this. That I haven’t made a decision or a change by recognizing this. I’m putting it off… delaying the decision. Instead… I am saying to myself… I choose to quit drinking. Right now. I quit.
Jeff — You are not alone in this struggle. Everyone who has quit drinking has talked themselves in and out of it a thousand times.
One of the beautiful things (and there are MANY) about making this decision is that soon, that shitty voice inside your head will go away. You will never again have to hear the negativity and self-loathing chatter in your ear. You’ll be free.
Best to you!
Thank you, shortly after making that decision and writing this post… I already started feeling better emotionally.
It helps to know that, though. That it happens to everyone… I stopped before and I can do it again. This time, hopefully, I can stick with it better taking some learnings along with me.