It’s grey and overcast here lately; Second Winter has descended upon us. So, I’m remembering Hawaii’s clear blue oceans, it’s greenery and it’s gorgeous weather.
Monthly Archives: March 2016
This Hit Me In The Feels
I’m having a particularly difficult time over the past couple of days maintaining my sobriety. The urge has been strong to drink and I’d almost given in a couple of times.
Anyway, I saw this video on Facebook from Day 001 and it has reduced me to tears. God, this sucks.
[vimeo 149212375 w=500 h=281]
‘Turbo Killer’ by Carpenter Brut
I was looking up new industrial music a few months back and the name Carpenter Brut came up, I can’t say that I was blown away at the time just because my expectation was different than the music. Having listened to Perturbator since and recognizing that they are musically similar in their devotion to 80s movie soundtrack revival-type music, I came across Carpenter Brut’s video for Turbo Killer on Vimeo and decided that maybe it was time to give them another chance.
Vimeo link, in case you want to avoid the commercials on YouTube: Turbo Killer
Every Day Is A Gift
It’s things like randomly coming face to face with a young moose inside of city limits that reminds me that every day is a gift. Amazing.[wpvideo z8ffXx4F]
Retail Therapy, Man-Style
Looking back on it, yesterday was pretty hard for me… from a keeping sober perspective, anyway.
Winter is on the decline and the sun was out, ushering in spring time… I was off work around noon and had all kinds of me time. I was euphoric and excited and stress-free, it was great! I wanted a drink though as this would have been a common way for me to celebrate a Friday afternoon of awesome freedom. And, ironically, this desire for a drink… be it a beer or a whiskey… was causing me stress on an otherwise stress-free day.
Eventually, I’d get home and was kind of down in the dumps. For the past week and a bit, I have been supercharged for planning home renovations and organizing and cleaning up. Yesterday into the evening, I couldn’t put two and two together on anything like that. The kids were out for the evening and the wife was at work until the wee hours so it was all me at that point with my own thoughts.
I was in Hell, gentlemen… let me assure you.
I had almost given myself permission to go out for a drink at a nearby bar/pub and the time was coming up on 8:00 pm. I was conflicted about the thoughts and decided that sitting around thinking about it was not the way to go. I got my clothes on, jumped in my Jeep and drove my ass down to Cabela’s.
I have been gearing up for doing more family camping and to also start doing some backpacking trips this summer. I know that I need a few more specialized items for backpacking rather than just camping; one of those things being a tent of more appropriate size. The one I bought at the start of this whole gearing up process was done in a hurry and from an uneducated headspace.
Also, I started playing Airsoft with my 14 year old son last year. After getting a gift card at Cabela’s for Christmas, I went out and bought my own gun to play with. However, to be able to play with the piece I bought, I’m going to need a second clip for ammunition since reloading a clip during a match is a good way to get yourself shot.
Finally, I have been trying to find ways to save money and trim up our finances at home. We have grown accustomed to a lifestyle of excess and waste… I am guilty as well. I decided to stop buying Starbucks coffee every morning and start making my own at home. However, I don’t have a reliable vessel to transport my morning wake-up juice in so I was on the market for an insulated Thermos.
So I bought these three items while at Cabela’s. The tent was showing as discontinued in their system and the only one left in the store was the floor model… so I bought the floor model with a $20 discount off list price.
After I left the store, my focus was on getting into nature and doing positive things rather than on drinking. As I drove out of the parking lot, I passed a liquor store… and just kept on driving, with a smile on my face I might add.
Here’s To The Heartache
I feel like I’m coming full circle; that I am back where I was roughly eight (?) years ago when I started taking these damn pills.
I’m one misspoken word away from tears, being overwhelmed by my own emotion.
That’s part of my own self-assessment though on my path of recovery. (I don’t think recovery, from a substance abuse perspective is a place that you get to… it’s the road we follow that can show us wonderful things if we let it.)
Maybe I’ll come to the realization that I do, in fact, need the pills. But until that time, I need to get rid of some of my venom to know for sure. Deal with my emotions instead of chemically alter myself so that those emotions don’t find their way to the surface.
Cyber-Security in 2016
C’mon, people, Mel Brooks had this password strength shit figured out in 1987:
http://youtu.be/a6iW-8xPw3k
The Wean
This week has been pretty rough. I’ll get into it a little more when my head is clearer and I can write but there have been all kinds of weird things going on.
The most recent withdrawal symptom I’m experiencing is that while I’m falling asleep or have unwittingly dropped off I keep having this feeling, this terrifying feeling, that there are supernatural forces existing in both my dream as well as real life and that my life is at risk.
The transition effects of an SNRI on my unconscious brain have been quite awe-inspiring and over-the-top. While going on them is very ‘interesting’, weaning off of them is quite the opposite. My dreams are detailed and very dark. And they get darker yet.